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Necessity is the mother of invention. - Plato (427-347) Plato was a bore. - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. - Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. - Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961) Hemingway was a jerk. - Harold Robbins A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. - Douglas Adams In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity. - Konrad Adenauer A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. - Herm Albright Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen Women like silent men. They think they're listening. - Marcel Archard It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time. - Tallulah Bankhead I'll come up and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me. - Tallulah Bankhead Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. - Dave Barry You never saw a fish on the wall with its mouth shut. - Sally Berger Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Hector Berlioz Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. - Yogi Berra Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. - Block's Murphy's Law We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough? - Niels Bohr If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - Derek Bok In politics stupidity is not a handicap. - Napoleon Bonaparte To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. - Ashleigh Brilliant Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is. - Ashleigh Brilliant My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. - Ashleigh Brilliant As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. - Anita Bryant I don't feel good. - The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926) Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. - George Burns I don't even know what street Canada is on. - Al Capone Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!" till you can find a rock. - Wynn Catlin As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. - Dick Cavett If thine enemy wrong thee, but each of his children a drum. - Chinese Proverb Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. - Sir Winston Churchill A cat will look down to a man. A dog will look up to a man. But a pig will look you straight in the eye and see his equal. - Sir Winston Churchill America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization. - Georges Clemenceau My grandpa told me to remember two things in life. Look out for Number One, and remember your number. - Orville Cogswell When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962 We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. - Dwight D. Eisenhower Millions long for immortality but do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough. - M.C. Escher Setting an example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age. - William Feather Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. - Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it. - W.C. Fields Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason so few engage in it. - Henry Ford The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. - Robert Frost I think it would be a good idea. - Mahatma Mohandas K. Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization 640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates in 1981 Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. - Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying If you can count your money you don't have a billion dollars. - J. Paul Getty The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. - Jean Giraudoux When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. - Moses Hadas What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. - Richard Harkness When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, Compared to what? - Sydney J. Harris When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, wretched, bored, dejected; only here's the rub, my darling dear, I feel the same when you're near. - Samuel Hoffenstein Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while. - Kin Hubbard Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. - Hubert H. Humphrey Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. - Collis P. Huntingdon It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. - Jerome K. Jerome Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. - Thomas Jones Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961) The only difference between a problem and a solution is that people understand the solution. - Charles Kettering Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. - Ernie Kovacs We'd like to say thank you on behalf of the group and ourselves, and we hope we passed the audition. - John Lennon (at the taping of the 'Let it Be' album, 1969) Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. - Sam Levenson If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980) We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction. - General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964) Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald (1915-1983) It isn't the people you fire who make your life miserable, it's the people you don't. - Harvey Mackay It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. - Jackie Mason Good executives never put off until tomorrow what they can get someone else to do today. - John C. Maxwell The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Yet, government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. - David McIntosh Don't be so humble - you are not that great. - Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat Bachelors know more about women than married men do. If they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken Grove giveth and Gates taketh away. - Bob Metcalfe (inventor of Ethernet) on the trend of hardware speedups not being able to keep up with software demands In politics stupidity is not a handicap. - Napoleon The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them which we are missing. - Gamel Nasser Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source. - Ron Nesen We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons. - Alfred E. Newman I would have made a good Pope. - Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994) When the president does it, that's means it is not illegal. - Richard Nixon There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. - P. J. O'Rourke Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. - P. J. O'Rourke Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. - Ozzy Osbourne Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. - Samuel Palmer (1805-1880) If all the girls attending the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised. - Dorothy Parket The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. - General George S. Patton (1885-1945) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. - Laurance Peter Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true. - Polish proverb A nuclear power plant is infinently safer than eating, because 300 people choke to death on food every year. - Dixy Lee Ray Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. - Ronald Reagan Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? - Will Rogers I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers It is not the critic who counts, nor the person who points out how the strong person stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the person who is actually in the arena; whose face is actually marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows great enthusiasm and great devotions, whose life is spent in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and at worst, if failure wins out, it at least wins with greatness, so that this person's place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. - Theodore Roosevelt The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition. - Nick Seitz It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. - R. Serling There is only one principle of war and that's this. Hit the other fellow, as quickly as you can, as hard as you can, where it hurts him most, when he ain't lookin'. - Sir William Slim The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take. - Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965) Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by traffic from both sides. - Margaret Thatcher Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theismann The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own. - Harry S. Truman If you can't convince them, confuse them. - Harry S Truman A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A succesful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. - Mark Twain Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain They say three species disappear off the planet everyday. I wonder how many are being created. - Unknown Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. - Unknown Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. - last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923) I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas J. Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943 The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years. - Oscar Wilde The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible. - A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) You can't be a Real Country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa |